Dueling Parking

So the other day I'm loitering on some street of Rome. The Man is inside a
pizza-by-the-slice joint and it's packed with locals grabbing a bite for lunch.

I'm outside because I'm just getting over the worst flu on the planet and I've
decided that I will never eat another bite of food as long as I live.

So, I'm just standin' out there drinking a bottle of water trying not to smell
the pizza when I see this taxi pull up and start to do a "double parking-parallel
park" which is a common phenomenon that occurs because the regular parking
spaces were filled with cars...oh, in like the Pleistocene era, or something, so new
arrivals have to double park alongside the existing cars. It's sorta like layering.

Anyway, this taxi pulls up and starts to parallel park his car because he's hungry
and wants some pizza. This is important...and will probably be introduced as
evidence at the trial...but, I'm getting ahead of myself.

A Fact You Can Take To Your Grave: Romans CANNOT parallel park and that's
probably why they lost the empire!

I've stood and watched in amazement as Romans attempted to accomplish the
act of parallel parking many times. It is so embarrassing. It's like when you
happen to see your cat fall off the sofa and the cat looks at you with that hey-
I-meant-to-do-that look on it's face. Well, that's the way Romans are about
parallel parking. Only better.

For example, I recently watched this Roman woman pull up to a large, vacant
parking space. She pulled alongside it, pulled a bit forward and started to back in.
Everything looked so normal and was going so well. Her angle of approach was
actually pretty good, but then, I guess, she lost interest or fell into a coma or
something because she forgot to turn the wheel and ease into the spot. Instead,
she just plowed into the curb at a diagonal angle. Then, she pulled forward.
Then, she backed up and hit the curb. Then, she pulled forward. Then, she backed
up and hit the curb. Then, she pulled forward. Then, she backed up and hit the curb.
You get the picture? It just kept going on and on and on till you wanted to slap her.

I happen to be an award winning parallel parker. I can park a 6 foot car in a 5 foot
11 inch parking space IN ONE TRY! Not that I'm bragging or anything, but I'm
really good at it. It's an idiot savant thing.

Anyway, I'm watching this parking atrocity and I'm absolutely disgusted with this
woman. She seemed to think that if she just went back and forth enough times, the
Earth would go into some kind of a reverse continental shift and, like South America
settling back into the embrace of the western coast of Africa, her car would somehow
find it's way to the curb!

The Man heard me mutter, "My God Woman! Just park the damn thing!" He
restrained me from going over there, grabbing her by the throat, yanking her
out of the car and doing it myself!

Anyway, they can't park. Now, back to the present in front of the pizza joint:

I'm watching this guy and he's backing up. He's doing well, but then I observe
the other double-parallel parked car behind him. Then, I'm standing there...
on the sidewalk...alone...saying out loud...in English..."He's going to hit him! He's going
to hit him! He's going to hit him! He's going to..." BLAM!

He hit him, all right. You could hear the "crack" of the plastic front bumper on the
big, black BMW.

Now what's really odd, is that nothing happened immediately. It was very quiet
and no one moved. Time stood still.

Then, I saw that inside the black BMW, sitting right there behind the wheel, was
the BMW owner. He was just sitting there. He had his head back against the head
rest and he was just waiting...calmly.

The taxi driver finished his semblance of parking and exited his car. He walked back
to the BMW driver, who still hadn't moved, and started talking to him. The taxi driver
was lighthearted and seemed to be joking around and ended by saying "sta bene...spero."
It's fine...I hope. I liked that "I hope" part.

All the while, and I'm not kidding, the BMW driver does not say a word and does not
lift his head from the headrest. He's so cool. He just looks at the guy with a dead pan
face and makes a gesture that I cannot describe but which was so completely Italian
and which was like saying, "wha'." I mean, Robert Di Niro had nothing on this guy!

The end of the story is that the taxi driver goes into the pizza joint and gets his lunch,
but the guy in the BMW just sits there. HE NEVER GOT OUT OF HIS CAR TO LOOK
FOR THE MIGHTY CRACK THAT I'M SURE WAS THERE BECAUSE I HEARD IT
AND SO DID EVERYBODY ELSE WITHIN A THREE MILE RADIUS!

It was great. That guy in the BMW just sat there like he was the King of the Planet,
like he had a fleet of BMW's back at the castle, like he didn't have the time or energy
to deal with a taxi driving piece of riff raff who had just cracked his bumper.

I tried to imagine what would've happened if this had occurred in the U.S. There would
have been people and identification flying in every direction, driver's licenses, proofs of
insurance, police reports, birth certificates of the first born, whatever, threats, curses, etc.

It's a different world here, though.

But, here's a tip. If some Roman ever walks up to you, slaps you in the face with a
glove and challenges you to a duel, when he asks you your choice of weapon, just say,
"Parallel parking, my good Sir, parallel parking." Then watch his eyes go dead and the
beads of sweat start to form on his brow.

Ah Ha! You'll have won the duel before you started.