Director of First and Last Impressions

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I took a look at the want ads in the
Lime Plant City Register a few days ago.

I was not looking for employment. Rather, I
was curious to see how the current economic
crisis was affecting the job market in the area.
I figured that the crisis would be reflected in
the number and type of jobs available.


Then, I saw this:

Company Location: The Land of O
Less... Job Description: Director Of First And Last Impressions

Office/Clerical, Bustling companion and agricultural animal medical establishment is seeking director of first and last impressions. Fast paced, dynamic and vibrant atmosphere requires person with enthusiasm, motivation and professionalism. Multi-task, manage heavy phone call volume and command of computer, organizational and people skills.Training provided. Forward letter of introduction and resume to info@animalhosp.com by April 30th

I have no idea what they're talking about. I mean, just exactly what is a "bustling
companion?" And when I read "agricultural animal medical establishment," I picture
Mr. Ed wearing a nurses cap with a stethoscope hanging around his neck. I'm stumped.
But, that's nothing compared to the job title itself: Director of First and Last Impressions.

Uh, I don't care what anyone says, THAT is a groovy job title. I would be honored to
shake the hand of the person who came up with that one! I mean, imagine the look on
the face of the person you're standing next to at some cocktail party after they ask you,
"And what do you do for a living?" to which you reply, "Oh, I'm the Director of First and Last
Impressions. Here's my card."

I WANT THIS JOB!!!

I am so utterly qualified and experienced. In fact, if they hire me, I'm certain that within
two weeks they'll have to promote me. Soon they'll be painting on my door:
Director of First and Last Impressions In Five Words Or Less!

Great tie, Bill!
You stink!
Best coffee I've ever had!
Stupidest report ever submitted!
Here comes trouble!
There goes our last hope!
Looking good, Phil!
He's on his last legs.
You're a whiz kid!
That guy's nuts!
What a beaut!
What a wreck!
You're fat, Dave!
Donuts are good!

I could go on and on. I'm a natural at this.

In fact, the next time The Man tells me "You are so opinionated!" I'm gonna say,
"No, I am simply innately accurate at issuing forth first and last impressions,
you sniveling, shortsighted, simpleton!"

Well...maybe I'll leave that last part out.

Too bad, though.is job is not accepting
online applications.

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View printed ad

Go Jump Off A Cliff Notes

Where was I...

Oh yeah. Coming to conclusions.

And here are the results:

I have come to the conclusion that learning another language is more difficult than becoming
a doctor or passing the bar exam. It's even more difficult than graduating with a degree in
Theatre Arts.

The process involves intense concentration, endless frustration and frequent kicks in the
cojones, which I don't think exist in the feminine tense but, since there is no feminine tense
in the English language, cojones it is!

And, it is for these reasons that I think EVERYONE should study a foreign language.

I read that people are now working on Sudoku puzzles to exercise their brains. They
think that by working on some little baby puzzle they'll avoid Alzheimer's, or something.

Well, I'm here to tell you that Sudoku puzzles are the ultimate time wasting activity; and
that if you're inclined to getting Alzheimer's, you're going to get it no matter what, so
instead of spending whatever time you have left sitting around staring at a puzzle book,
get out there and look around you, look up at the sky in wonder, crab about the traffic
and, for Godsakes, talk to other people and, especially, talk to people who speak English
as a second language. Help them out, help yourself out.

I think everyone in the southern United States should speak English AND Spanish. It
should be required. And, everyone in the north should have to speak French.

And, I think that if you can't pass your driver's test in your newly learned second language,
then YOU DON'T GET TO DRIVE! Boy, would that ever eliminate the traffic congestion
problem.

Anyway, alls I'm sayin' is, it's really hard, language learning is. And, I'm here in the thick
of it, too, immersed in this can of chunky beef Italian stew, trying to keep my head up,
living, breathing, eating, drinking, sleeping and bumping into Italian everywhere I go,
thinking that one day it's all just going to come together and that on that special day,
the clouds will part, the angels will sing, a single ray of light will shine down on my little
punkin head, and I'll miraculously start rapping away, not just in Italian, but in the
Romano dialect, which is so insane it makes me laugh.

I think it makes me ornery, too.

Birthday Girl

the man met me
in the hall and led
me into the room
filled floor to ceiling
with brightly wrapped
packages, telling me to
watch out for all the
burning candles.

we trod on mounds
of tissue paper, curly
ribbons caught in our hair.

finally we sat down to
admire the glittering
when suddenly the gifts
tumbled down around me
and i was buried in laughter
and dreams and sighs of love.


Image by Maggie Taylor, 2000, http://www.johnclearygallery.com/artists/taylor/taylor.html

Train of thoughts

My sister came here for a week's neurosis...I mean visit...I mean MY neurosis...I mean,
I don't know what I mean, so I haven't written for awhile.

Two nights before she left, Italy had an earthquake in L'Aguila. We've been there several
times. Beautiful part of Italy, Abruzzo. It's all very sad, very tragic. I'm familiar with
earthquakes. They hit you hard, with no warning, sometimes catastrophically as in L'Aguila,
then they're gone and you're left with the shock and grief and disbelief.

The quake woke us up here in Rome, fifty miles away from the epicenter. We were lucky
our 500 year old apartment held up. The petrified wood in the ceiling and walls was really
creaking, though. It went on for about 40 seconds...that's about nine years in earthquake time.

In case you're wondering if we had any premonitions that this quake was coming...well, I did
have a strange headache that morning, and I usually never get headaches. Also, I think I may
have had a lascivious thought or two about The Man that afternoon. Other than that, I don't
think we experienced any other paranormal activity.

A friend of ours sent this video to us and I wanted to pass it along. Maybe everyone has
already seen it. But, I happen to be an old Sound of Music fan and if there's one thing I know,
it's EVERY song in that musical. I also ALWAYS wanted to be Julie Andrews, especially when
she was Mary Poppins, but that was before she was a nun and cut her hair.

I like this because it makes me happy feeling inside. It makes me glad that my species can
do something like this just for the fun of it. It's like sometimes if you watch a big bird flying,
a seagull or whatever, you can sometimes see that bird fly some loop-de-loop just for the fun
of it. I swear.

Anyway, I guess what this blog is about is that there's tragedy and joy, and it's all intertwined.

It's all part of the big package and there's nothing you can do about it.