Monday, January 26, 2009

Inca Kola

To: Tanya,
Publisher: My Wealth Log

Dear Tanya,

This morning I was trying to type the word "Eweuu...Eyuu...Eeeuuu."

You know, when you're walking along and you step in something yucky,
you go "eeeyuu." But, as you can see, I can't spell it AT ALL. Then I
remembered that you, Tanya, had spelled the word perfectly in one of
your blog posts, so I started cursoring through looking for the word Eyeu.
(Boy! Can I ever NOT spell that word!)

While looking, I came across a post of yours that I'd somehow missed
entitled "Peruvian Gastronomy." I stopped to read it and found it all
interesting and informative and I wanted to be there, etc., etc. AND,
I read the part about INCA KOLA. First time I'd ever heard of the stuff.

Fast forward about four hours. The Man and I joined a friend who
caters dinner parties for the American Embassy and other lucky
executive types here in Rome. Since today is the Chinese New Year
(Year of the Ox, in case you were wondering) he took us on a tour
of the ethnic food markets in the Chinese district of Rome near Piazza
Vittorio. We were in Chinese, Korean, Bangladeshi, Indian - southern
and northern, Thai and finally Peruvian markets.

It was great. Now I know where to get frozen duck feet the next time
I have a hankerin' for a plateful. What a relief!

During the gastronomic tour, I watched The Man slowly vaporize into a
big, hollow blob of nothingness with the conversational input of asphalt.
A shopper he is NOT. But, he perked up at the Peruvian market stand
because they had pistachio nuts for sale (from Iran, actually, not Peru
but...whatever...) and while The Man was making his purchase and our
friend/guide was buying something else, I looked up on the counter and
saw a huge bottle of INCA KOLA!!!

It was so strange. I'd never heard of it until this morning...and there it was!

Then, I started thinking how maybe I've slipped into some 15th dimensional
vortex and everything YOU write about I'M going to experience! And, this
made me twitch with excitement because I really want to be on that beach
in Baja, in that beautiful house overlooking the ocean, where you stayed with
your brother and his dogs. I'm hoping that I get to go there next and NOT to
a plate of cooked guinea pig...Ewyeuu!

Ciao,
Meridith

P.S. I was also thinking that everyone in the world who comes across
INCA KOLA should publish the photo on the web...sort of like those
traveling gnome pictures in the film "Amelie."

So, here's mine:

Posted by Picasa

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Our New Car, Part II

If you can survive the process of buying a car in Italy, you can do anything.

We bought the car last Thursday. We took possession last Wednesday. Seven days of finagling and rigamarole unparalleled.

Day One: Finding the Car and agreeing to buy.
Relatively simple. Oh, lookie! Cute. Let's buy it. How much? Okay!

Day Two: Transferring Ownership
Follow the sad owner to the office where they transfer the ownership of the vehicle. He's sad because he is at the end of an era, he can't drive anymore. He's dealing with an age issue that awaits us all. Also, he's had this car for nine years and he's attached to it. We know how he feels.

But, we get to this office and are told we have to pay the equivalent of $500 to make the transfer. $500!! How's that for a sneaky taxation deal! The Man already knew about this. I didn't. So, I was the only one who had to sit down and put her head between her legs to keep from gagging.

Day Three: Saturday, Day of Rest, Day of remorseful thoughts.
Day Four: Sunday, Day of Rest, Day of impatience to get the car!

Day Five: Go with the sad owner to the insurance company because we'd been told by the ownership-transfer people that we can simply transfer the owner's insurance policy into our names - meaning a savings of many euros. Good deal. However, we get there and are told that, no, insurance coverage cannot be transferred.

I squint my eyes and look peeved, but The Man says, "let's get an estimate from this place." First they quote him a yearly sum of 1,200 Euros. The Man says, "No." Then the girl says, "I'll figure it again." She types more stuff into the computer and comes up with a quote of 800 Euros for a year's insurance. The Man says, "Okay!"

As we leave I'm wondering, "What's our comprehensive? How much liability coverage do we have? What's the deductible?" The Man says, "Don't worry about it. We have a sticker to put on our windshield proving we have insurance, that's all that matters."

Next, we go across the city to the main offices of ATAC (perfect acronym!), Rome's agency of All Things Transportation. It's here that we must apply to get a permit to park in the the historical center of Rome, where we happen to live and where traffic flow is restricted.

It's a very busy, crowded place where everyone stands around holding a measly, sweaty, scrunched up piece of paper with a big number on it, waiting and watching a digital board that details who is up and which cubicle to report to for assistance.

We brought along all kinds of paperwork, our proof of residency, a copy of our apartment contract, a copy of our electric bill, phone bill, bank statement, international driver's licenses, credit cards, ATM cards, photos of our children and promises to give up our next born, anything to please the Gods of Bureaucracy, anything to prove that we live in the center, and that we're not just worthless, filthy bums without a hope or a prayer, which is exactly what we were, of course.

After a while we got our chance with Marco, a nice guy who seemed pleased with all our papers. But, then he left his desk with our apartment contract to confer with his boss and came back asking for "proof of legality of our contract," proof that the owner of our building paid the tax for our apartment indicating that the apartment is legally rented, as opposed to illegal rentals that are not reported and, most importantly, TAXED, which happens to be a VERY common practice.

Marco looked really sorry, but he said he couldn't give us the permit until we provided proof that the taxes had been paid. We tried reasoning. We played Good Cop, Bad Cop, with me whiny and pleading and The Man angry and demanding to see the boss.

Marco said he was sorry, but this happened all the time. People came there thinking they were legal, but they weren't, just like us.

I asked what we were supposed to do with the car and he mentioned that not only were we prohibited from parking anywhere in Rome, but we were not allowed TO DRIVE the car anywhere in Rome either! I said, "So what you're saying is, we have a car, we have insurance, but we have to park it somewhere outside the city and maybe take a train to visit it once in a while?"

He said, "Yes, I'm sorry."

You couldn't have knocked us flatter with a steam roller.

During the long bus ride home we were fine, but very quiet, stunned. Everything had been going so well. What happened?

I knew for a fact that we didn't have any piece of paper saying our crazy landlady who I'VE NEVER EVEN SEEN had paid some tax or other. Why would she? She's never done anything, especially if it involves money. Our building was built in 1502 and, aside from basic plumbing, nothing has been done here since. I don't even run our washing machine anymore because I'm convinced the floor is going to cave in!

We got home, glugged down most of a bottle of wine, curled up and slept for hours. After waking, the depression hit me. What the heck were we supposed to do now? The Man came in while I was just sitting on the bed staring into the black hole we'd dug for ourselves. He said, "Come back. Come back. Don't go there. I need you here." I said, "I'll go wherever I want and right now I'm at 30,000 feet returning to The Land of O where people can just drive their cars and park anywhere they want without going insane and jumping out the window!"

But, with my last, bleak will of effort, I pulled down our box of files and started going through EVERY statement, receipt and notice EVER received to look for something to prove our legality.

Out of nowhere, filed incorrectly, it was there, amongst the bank statements, a one page notarized form stating that the taxes on our apartment had been paid last April.

The black clouds of utter despair parted, rays of sunlight flooded the room and a chorus of angels started singing.

HALLELUJAH!!! WE WERE SAVED!!!!!

Day Six: We go back to the big office with a spring in our step, take a number, wait a little while, get Marco again, he's happy for us because the paper work is all in order, and we get our permit.

We exit the gladiatorial arena victorious!

Day Seven: Today we finally took possession of OUR NEW, OLD CAR! We took her out and drove up north into the Sabine Hills. She did well. The brakes only squeaked a little at first, the gas gauge didn't seem to work when we filled the tank, but then about twenty minutes later it was working just fine, and we stopped once to buy new windshield wipers because the old ones were really noisy. But, other than that, no problems...well, except for when we took some tiny, cobbled street to see some church ruin and I got us lodged in an ancient, ridiculously narrow, stone archway in a tiny hill town called Rocca Sinabalda. It was obviously constructed during the time when the biggest vehicle imaginable was a large mule fully loaded.

I was a millimeter from scraping off the entire passenger side of the car... positioned at an odd angle, on a steep decline, with the man sitting there going, "go, go, you've made it!" Fortunately, I didn't listen to him. I stopped, pulled on the brake, backed up, and made it on the second try. In truth, the jutting stones from that wall were so close, I am convinced that only something miraculous or otherworldly can explain how we popped out of there without hearing the sound of the rear bumper being wrenched off and banging on the ground.

We are a walking ABC Sports Show. We're constantly experiencing the "thrill of victory" or the "agony of defeat!"

That's how it is here. Never easy. Always intense.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Our New Car

We got a car.

An old man, unable to drive anymore
sold it to us for a good price.

It's a 2000 Ford Fiesta and it only
has 43,000 km on it...that's only
26,700 miles. Mr. d'Agostini,
the owner, kept saying, "it's new,
it's new." Well, it is like a new car.
It even smells new. He told me no
one has ever ridden in the back seat,
only he and his wife in the front.

We spotted the car yesterday while walking by a small courtyard in Trastevere. I saw
the "Vendesi" sign in the car's rear window. I told The Man, "I think that's our new car!"
Well, it turned out my feeling was correct.

This morning we paid the owner and went with him to transfer ownership. We have
entered an entirely new world of bureaucracy, one hitherto unknown to us. We have
to get licenses, official stamps and stickers and permits, pay taxes and fees. Oh boy.
We're in the thick of it now. Then we have to figure out where we're going to park
the thing. If parking spaces were lifeboats, then Rome is the Titanic.

All that aside though, we're really excited.

We'll finalize the paperwork on Monday. Then we'll be off.

Oh, and we don't know what color it is. The Man says it's blue. I say it's green.
But, it actually looks sort of greenish/bluish/silverish. It's not a color that stands
out in a crowd, it blends in...which means that it's a great super-spy car!

Posted by Picasa

Thursday, January 15, 2009

‘Twas The Parrot Done Her In

That’s what I want put on my tombstone.
Or, assuming I don’t warrant a tombstone,
assuming I’ll be thrown into the lime pit
at the pauper’s graveyard like Mozart,
then write it in my obituary.
Come on, humor me.

Anyway, it almost happened.


I had walked my walk in Villa Borghese.
Seven laps.
Just me, a jogger and a dog walker.
I was done, leaving the track,
when the bird struck.

He flew into a tall cypress tree.
He screeched something.
I imitated the sound back to him.
He looked at me.
I looked at him.
Then I twisted my ankle and went down.

It wasn’t just a fall.
It was a collision of human and earth,
the plummeting of a giant oak,
a mother lode of plunging mass,
a galumphing of gigantic proportions.

It was a fall seemingly without end.
The earth had slipped into a timeless warp
and the falling went on and on and on.
It was a slow motion descent involving
all parts of my body, toes to head.
Galumph!

To those who witnessed the event
it must have been shocking to see
me rise immediately after.
For it must have appeared as if
I’d been shot and must surely be dead.

But, up I sprang, aware of scraped palms
stinging knee, and sprained ankle.
I looked around to see who was watching
and furiously began dusting off the grit
covering my pant legs and jacket.
I shook gravel out of my hair.
While so occupied I assessed my condition.
It seemed I could walk.

A man on a bicycle rode up to where I stood.
He eyed me seriously and inquired as to my well being.
I assured him I was fine but in my shock and hysteria
my voice sounded falsely exuberant, as if I fell down
everyday just for the fun of it.

I limped to the nearby bus stop and entertained
thoughts about washing off my bleeding palms
in the fountain pool across the way. But, the thought
of some mutant parasite lurking in the brackish water
deterred me.

Soon the little bus arrived to take me safely home.
Just as I hobbled aboard,
before the doors swished closed,
I heard the distant laugh
of the parrot in the cypress tree.

Monday, January 12, 2009

My Own Two Feet

Yesterday morning I got up and accidentally put my slippers on the wrong feet.
Well, not exactly the wrong feet. I mean I didn't put them on someone else's feet.
I put them on mine, but contrary-wise to the manufacturer's recommendations.

I realized my error immediately. Who wouldn't?
But, just before automatically making the switch, I decided not to.
I left my left on my right and my right on my left and went in to make coffee.
It felt funny and made me want to giggle, but I didn't mention it to The Man.

This was just something between me and my own two feet.
They've been good to me and I felt like giving them some attention and appreciation.
I wanted us to spend some quality time together.
I wanted to be aware of them for a while instead of taking them for granted.
We had a good time.

Later I dressed them in Fluffy and Muffy and took them for a walk. First, we
rode the 116 Electric bus up to the Villa Borghese Park to the Piazza di Sienna,
a small track near the Galleria Borghese, one of my favorite places in Rome. This
huge park is so beautiful, a tranquil oasis in an otherwise congested, chaotic city,
full of wide, shady walkways, ancient statuary, mossy fountains and large monuments.

It was chilly at first, but the sun shone brightly and we soon warmed up. I was
working up to a good pace when I became aware of the screeching of birds. A flock
of parrots, descendants of domestic birds who escaped their cages or were released,
flourish in this section of the park. There were about fifteen perched in trees above
my head, easy to spot with their long green tails and bright orange beaks. I broke
my stride to stop and watch. They were lucky birds.

Each lap took 4-1/2 minutes, so after seven laps I left the track and made my way
out of the park and down onto the Via Veneto, which is an avenue I love not because of
it's elegant hotels, upscale shops and cafes, but simply because it has the widest sidewalks
in Rome, an extravagance to someone used to the medieval center.

Rome's sidewalks are often nonexistent or, if they do exist, are miserable afterthoughts
usually blocked by illegally parked vehicles or people too intent on their conversation to
step out of your way. It's normal to walk in the street with cars speeding all around you
simply because there's no where else to walk. But, on the Via Veneto it's completely
different. Built recently, in the late 1800's, it is a street much more like Paris, a more
modern city who's architects and builders had the good sense and vision to include nice,
wide sidewalks in their designs.

After winding down the Veneto my feet indicated to me that they were tired. So, we
caught another 116 for home. Remember the taxi driver in the film "Scrooged," the one
that takes Bill Murray to meet the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future? Well,
that guy is alive and well, terrorizing unsuspecting commuters in Rome.

I got on the bus at the "capolinea," which is the last stop and a rest point for the driver.
I was the sole passenger aboard and after waiting for about eight minutes we took off.
I swear we popped a wheelie. A lot of Rome's bus drivers are insensitive maniacs, but
this guy was special. He was an entity in and of himself, taking sharp corners at 35 km.
It's lucky I was the only passenger because that way I could avail myself of all the
handholds and poles to keep myself upright and I was sitting down! However, I found
that if I kept both feet firmly planted and spaced about two feet apart, and if I clung
to the bright yellow ticket stamping machine, I was fairly secure.

As we whisked past a bus stop without bothering to stop, I noticed the astonished faces
of people who may have wanted a ride. It was amusing because, even though death appeared
imminent, the careening bus I was on must have made quite a spectacle. A mad driver
at the wheel, the bus turning on two wheels and a lone woman flailing around in the back.

Then, near the Spanish Steps, we suddenly swooped up onto the left curb and came to
an abrupt stop. The driver opened his window, reached out and grabbed the hand of
a man standing there. They shook hands, kissed cheeks, shouted greetings and started
a conversation. This break gave me a chance to unclench my hold on the ticket machine
and rub some circulation into my fingers.

After five minutes of listening to these two paisans chit chat, I thought of interrupting
to inquire as to whether or not we might reach my destination by nightfall, but I nixed
the idea because, seriously, I didn't want to make the guy mad at me.

In all my experience in this city, I've never had a bus driver stop and talk in the middle
of a run. I've seen them talk to friends IN the bus riding, I've had them honk and wave to
acquaintances on the street, I've watched them drive with one hand on the wheel and
the other holding their cell phone to their ear. But stopping and parking the bus to talk,
never! Another "first" for me. Which is really what Rome is all about, surprises.

We finally made it to my stop in Campo Dei Fiori, the "field of flowers," and they were
there, bright and colorful along with the vegetable market in full swing. I bid the driver
a good day, and stepped off, fell to my knees and kissed the ground...not really. But, I
was really happy. Happy to have survived Mr. Toad's Wild Ride; happy to have had the
adventure; happy to be here, on the planet Earth, in Italy, in Roma, walking along
on my own two feet.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Response to Perry Barber

Thank you for taking the time to write. Your comments are perceptive and, for the most part, accurate.
I did romanticize the story, stretching it into something to illustrate (albeit badly) a point I was making
about manners. I don’t know why that particular story came to mind. It wasn’t a very good example
and you’re right to point that out. My father’s behavior was appalling that day and, yes, his actions
speak volumes about the kind of person he was. Yet, I hardly think he was the first or last person to
sit in the stands with the attitude that it was his right to berate an umpire. I’m sure such behavior is
the topic of many psychological tomes on irrational acts committed by sports fans.

My father was an angry man, his actions were frequently indefensible, and I had a difficult relationship
with him. But, he was in his youth one heck of a great ball player. Perhaps one of the reasons he was bitter
was that due to bad timing, poor decision making, and just plain bad luck, he never realized his dream of
making the pros. There was that night in the early 1940’s playing in the minors when he was told to play center
field, although he was always a catcher. But he did the job, hitting four for four and making a miracle,
lost-in-the-lights, fly-ball catch. After the game two scouts from the New York Yankees came to his coach and
said they wanted him to come to New York to try out for the center field position recently vacated by
Joe DiMaggio who had left to fight the war. The coach explained that my Dad had told him just that evening
that he would be leaving the team as he had enlisted in the Navy and would soon be shipping out.

He was sent to Hawaii where he played on a Navy team. Fellow teammates were Pee Wee Reese, Dominic DiMaggio
and Yogi Berra. My Dad was first string catcher, Yogi was second string. There were a lot of well known or soon
to be well-known players on that team. Dad played with them for about six months before leaving to fly
search and rescue in the South Pacific.

After the war he returned home to resume his baseball career and was immediately signed by the Brooklyn Dodgers,
but he injured his arm, couldn’t throw and was released. By then he had a family to support and so let go of his dream.
He remained devoted to the game, though, and watched as his old teammates continued on their paths of glory.
He, poignantly, praised their accomplishments and was so proud to have known them.

He officiated hundreds of little league games and, just so you know, he was heckled. He said one time there was
this woman who kept yelling at him, “Hey, Mr. Umpire! Hey, Ump!” He said she just kept it up, but he wouldn’t
give her the satisfaction of looking at her. Finally, in exasperation, the woman yelled, “Hey, Ump! Your fly’s open!”
Sure enough, my Dad looked and his zipper was down. I remember asking what he did then. He said he turned
around, zipped up, thanked the woman and called the next play.

My father is now 87 years old and suffers from dementia. He doesn’t remember current events but can still
reminisce about the distant past. I’m going to call him this evening and tell him that a professional
umpire, a woman in the Baseball Hall of Fame, has written me to say that his behavior was intolerable on
that day at Dodger stadium. Your credentials will carry some weight and he’ll certainly pay attention. He
may even agree that you are right. For certain, he’ll get a kick out of it. Then he’ll probably say something like,
“if you can’t take the heat, keep outta the fire,” remaining incorrigible as ever.

Congratulations on your extraordinary career success and, again, thank you for writing

Monday, January 5, 2009

Nasty Words

Pardon me for being vulgar in my previous blog.

"You used nasty words and it was not a good thing to do," said The Man.
He told me that I should think of my mother and my grandmothers.
What would they say about my use of crude language? (Mom, you don't
have to respond. I already know the answer.)

So, I've had a re-think and now I'm ashamed of myself for giving into the
sloppiness and baseness that has become de rigeur in our society.

Think about it, old people out there. Remember when we had manners?
Remember when men and women dressed as best as they could when they
went to the store or even to sporting events? You've seen the old film footage of
people in the stands at some baseball game and everybody's dressed in their
Sunday best, women in dresses with hats and gloves, men in suits and hats.
They look so refined.

It's hard to believe isn't it? But, I remember it well. I remember my Dad
taking me to Dodger stadium for an afternoon game, just the two of us. We
got seats about ten rows above first base. I wore my best pink dress and polished
white saddle shoes. We sat in the sun and watched Sandy Koufax throw zingers.

My Dad, an ex-Triple A player and current little league umpire, was there to have
a good time and I soon learned that for him the fun involved yelling at the first
base umpire, telling him he was blind, that he'd sure blown that call, and making
inquiries as to where in the world he'd learned to call a game.

I sat there carefully eating my frozen, chocolate malt, a delicacy, making sure
nothing dripped off the flat, wooden spoon. As my Dad yelled, my attention
was drawn from my malt to the people who were turning around looking to
see who was making such a racket. They'd smile and shake their heads. I slid
down in my seat. I was mortified. My Dad was yelling and people were looking.
We were becoming a spectacle! Horror of horrors!

By the third inning the umpire started getting annoyed. He looked up a few
times to see who the heck was giving him such a hard time, much to my father's
sheer delight. He was gleefully berating this guy, releasing his life's frustrations.

Finally, after a close and "lousy call," my Dad really let loose. He called the guy
an idiot and said he shouldn't be allowed to officiate a game. That's when the
umpire had had enough. He turned around, put his hands on his hips and glared
up, right at my Dad. He was about to say something when my Dad yelled out:
"What are you lookin' at me for? You keep your eye on the ball!"

I'll never forget those words. They're embedded in the innermost fabric of my brain.

People laughed. I was embarrassed to the point of inability to swallow my malt and
started choking.

But the point I wanted to make is that through the whole thing no one ever yelled
an obscenity. The language wasn't vulgar. It was descriptive and innovative.

Anyway, that's what I am going to strive for now as I return to Rome where I am
and where I should be writing about but amn't because I got distracted and nasty.

So, sorry. Ciao.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

The Two Seven Dwarfs


The Man called me an
asshole this morning.

Okay, so I kinda deserved
it, but still.

We were sitting at the
table, illuminated by the
glow of laptop, engrossed
in our morning reading of
online news.

He was slurping his coffee and then he grabbed a handful of pistachios
and started cracking them open, then chomping on them.

I said, "Geez! It's like sitting at a table with a bunch of barnyard animals!"

He said, "So what! You eat soup like a gulag prisoner, banging your spoon
in the bowl digging for the last piece of carrot!

I said, "Yeah, well at least I don't gurgle."

Then he called me an asshole and walked out of the room.

That's when I remembered that today I was going to start meditation exercises.
As I told The Man, I'm convinced that he is causing inflammation in my arteries.
And, we all know how bad that is. But, now I couldn't go do my life-saving,
stress-reducing meditation because The Man was in the "other" room, the room
where I planned on sitting quietly and following my breath.

This year marks our thirtieth year of (mostly) wedded bliss. I say "mostly" because
there was that divorce and re-marriage about ten years ago but, other than that, we
have been fairly blissful. We (mostly except for times like this morning) have a lot of
fun together.

I think we're just going through a stage. It's the name calling stage. So far, it's been
workable. He calls me an asshole, I call him a dickhead. There. We're even. Where
you wanna go for lunch? It's over.

I clip his suspenders on in the back for him. He holds my head and tells me to relax
when I think I'm having a brain aneurysm in the middle of the street. We are good
to each other when it matters most.

We could be the poster children for happy, but grumpy couples everywhere.
Make that Happy, Grumpy, Sneezy, Dopey and Sleepy...definitely Sleepy couples
everywhere.

Heigh Ho!