Finishing School

I am sick of my own voice.

I can't stand the sound of
it anymore.

I forget exactly what The Man
did to get me so riled up. But,
whatever it was, I've had it.

I heard myself, is what happened.
Heard myself blabbing in tongues,
crabbing about something, going
on and on and then, all of a sudden,
I had an out of body experience
and I was talking AND listening
at the same time.

It was awful. It was so awful.

It's pretty bad when you're having a conniption fit about something and, suddenly,
you actually hear your own voice! Think about it. Usually, you just talk and talk,
but you NEVER hear yourself. Others hear you, but you don't. That's why some
people talk REALLY LOUD, or they speak really quietly because they can't hear how
loud or quiet they are because...well... they're talking! It's like walking and chewing
gum at the same time. You have to concentrate and be hyper aware to talk and hear
yourself at the same time, which is what I accomplished the other day and now I'm
so appalled by the whole experience I just want to lay under the covers and suffocate.

I've decided to go to finishing school. Remember those? Neither do I, but I've heard
about them in movies. Anyway, in these schools they teach girls how to be gentile
young ladies, how to speak clearly and calmly without sounding like Ethel Merman
during a panty raid, how to be pleasantly amused without cackling like a wicked witch
on speed, how to maneuver conversation like Jackie O, instead of Jackie Mason.

I think these places also teach you to sew and ride a horse side saddle, which I guess
would also be a good thing. Oh, and how to pour tea. Yes, I really want to know that!
I also plan on taking the course entitled, "How to Faint-101."

I'm going.

I don't care how much the tuition costs. I'm on my way.

I've had it with being a crude, vulgar, pirate wench. I want to be dressed in white
linen with a lacy parasol, like Audrey Hephurn attending 'The Ascot Op'ning Day'
in "My Fair Lady."

"The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain, Baby!"

'Course, she had Henry Higgins to put her through her paces. I've got Bilbo Baggins.
Audrey got a guy in a top hat and tails. I got a furry creature with bare feet and six
toes shoved into a pair of Crocs.

However, using some hitherto unknown methodology, he did work me into such a
lather that I heard my hideous voice, which is what started this tirade to begin with.

In his own perverse way, he has helped me.

Which brings us full circle.

Which is a good thing because now I know where I am.