For Italian Wannabees

We aren't particular enough in the United States.

If, say, you're sitting in an eatery enjoying your deep fried peeps and you see some
green-skinned, antenna-headed martian walk in and ask for deep fried peeps with
ketchup, you just shrug and think, "must be from California....hmmm...ketchup...
I think I'll try me someadat!"

Americans are open to new ideas and willing to try new things...I'm thinking jello
shots and bungee jumping here.

But, in ITville, IT's an entirely different story.

Italians like things just the way they are, the way things have been for the last
seven hundred generations (with the exception of the automobile and the cell-
phone...oh, and naked dancing girls on television), so don't even think about
offering suggestions on improving trash collection or describing the beauty of
the catalytic converter unless you have an insane desire for ridicule. This is
NOT the land of entrepreneurial thinking.

Italians are often snooty and sometimes kind of sneaky. They like to know exactly
who (or what!) they're sitting next to. So, they have devised subtle booby-traps over
the centuries, specific social mores, cultural codes that are designed to expose any
impersonators, any charlatans, any ketchup-loving Californians among them.

Obviously, purple Crocs with the little trendy charms attached are a dead giveaway.

No, I'm talking about much more insidious methods to find you out, you faker!

The following list represents a decade's worth of research. Try not to get confused. I do.

How to infiltrate a group of Italians and not look like a complete dolt.

1. Wear black. Italians always dress like extras in a funeral commercial. If you
show up in the piazza wearing white polyester pants and a pink qiana shirt expect
to be surrounded. They'll think you're a circus acrobat and they'll demand you
perform tricks. Do your best and don't fret. (To their credit, Italians will tolerate
the absolute worst and most meaningless street entertainment, like this and this
and this.

2. Don't order a cappuccino after 11:00 a.m. If you do, they'll regard you with
quizzical disdain, like you just ran outside and rolled in a pile of fresh cow manure.
It's considered udderly (sic!) disgusting to consume a milk product after a meal.
Just order an espresso and suffer. (For those of you who have been here and
enjoyed cappuccinos after a meal...well...you may as well know now...they were
watching and they were laughing at you behind your back.)

3. Remember that the salad comes at the END of the meal, not at the beginning
or during. Don't look for some big plastic bottle of Kraft's Creamy Poppyseed
Salad Dressing, either. Use the olive oil and maybe a bit of salt and pepper.

4. NEVER request parmigiano (that's parmesan's REAL name) or any other
cheese to sprinkle on any pasta dish that contains seafood. If you do, your
waiter will develop an uncontrollable eye twitch and fellow diners will snort
their mineral water. Cretin!

5. Avoid attempting to form a line. Line forming indicates that you are an anal
retentive Anglo Saxon. Just stand in that tangled mass of human chaos and
whimper, then charge the turnstile...or ticket window...or bus door when it
opens. This rule applies to driving, too. Those white lines on the road are merely
suggestions. No one takes them seriously, nor should you.

6. Never ever be intimidated by anyone, especially those in exalted positions of
power, like a policeman, a doctor or a lawyer or the Prime Minister...ESPECIALLY
the Prime Minister! And, never, EVER say you're sorry! Instead, say, "It wasn't
my fault!"

7. When you meet up with a friend you must shake hands and do the double kiss.
Woman, man, it doesn't matter. Everybody does the kiss - kiss on the cheeks. But,
make sure you go left, right; that is, you lean in with your left cheek first, then you
offer your right cheek. Practice this until you get it right because if you offer your
right cheek first all hell will break loose! (I know this from personal experience,
but "It wasn't my fault!")

8. Don't say "Buon Giorno" (good day) after 2:00 p.m., say "Buona Sera" (good
evening) and keep saying "Buona Sera" until just before you go to bed, at which
time you finally say "Buona Notte" (good night). This means that after an evening
out with friends, you depart by saying "Buona Sera." But, if those same friends
are sitting in your living room unwilling to leave your house, then you can walk in
wearing your pajamas and tell them, "Don't let the door hit you on your way out.
BUONA NOTTE!"

9. On pain of death, never, EVER smugly suggest that "calcio" (soccer) is a game
for wimps and whiners. They will eat you alive...literally, but in a wonderful
tomato sauce infused with olive oil, garlic and peperoncino. (What do you think
tripe is?) In fact, if there's one thing that has lowered the Italian opinion of America,
it's American football. A bunch of enormous, strangely dressed (think about it),
mono-syllabic troglodytes crushing each others' guts out is the essence of crude
and unrefined behavior. Unless, of course, you're an enormous, strangely dressed,
mono-syllabic troglodyte who happens to be dating an Italian model or showgirl.
Then, you're okay, paesano.

10. Hold the mayo! Try to keep in check your insatiable desire for mayonnaise.
If you like it so much, go to France. Just today I mentioned to a Roman friend that
we were having panini with prosciutto for lunch. She was curious about how we
made our sandwiches. I replied that we ate them simply, with just a little mayonnaise.
You'd have thought I'd suggested we all jump naked into the nearby fountain. She
stopped in her tracks, put her hand on her heart and sputtered, "Mah, no!" I looked
warily about me thinking she must have misunderstood me. "It's a panino," I assured
her. But, she just stood there staring at me like maybe I was a New England Patriot or
something. She kept repeating, "No, no, no. You NEVER put mayonnaise on prosciutto.
Never!!!

Which illustrates exactly what I was trying to explain at the beginning of this post.

We just aren't particular enough. We're too easy. And, it's hard being easy.

So, pass the ketchup.