I need to double up the dosage on my cholesterol meds. Yesterday I cut myself and
I didn't bleed. Instead, pasta dough oozed out of my veins.
Also, as long as you're writing out some script, gimme a good diet pill, too, because
I've gained about 184 pounds, my thighs have grafted together and I'm starting to
walk like a penguin. My double chin has quadrupled which, I guess, is a bad thing,
but I am finding the folds of fat useful as places to stick my sunglasses, a pen, and
even lose change.
You're probably wondering how this dietary derailment could possibly have happened.
Well, it wasn't my fault, I can assure you!
The Man MADE me go with him to southern Italy and he MADE me go into these
restaurants and eat an amazing array of carbohydrate-ridden foods and milk-derived
products that were all incredibly fresh, like right out of the goat, or cow, or water
buffalo, or sheep (yes, they milk sheep here!) all washed down with jugs of local wine
from grapes kissed by the gods of various volcanoes biding their time until the next
eruption because, like me, those volcanoes are ready to blow!
He MADE me eat every bite and wipe my plate clean ofevery drop of precious olive oil, suck the juice out of every
mussel shell, and lick the ice-cold limoncello liqueur from
my chubby fingers in the style of Mme Hortense in the
movie Zorba the Greek which is really sickening and unfair
because The Man got to be Marcello Mastroianni throughout.
Anyway, I'm so innocent!
To help you better understand what has occurred, I've constructed THIS VIDEO
documenting the horrors of what I had to endure during my ride on this culinary
train wreck.
Help me!
As ever, I remain, dear doctor, your humble and most obedient patient,
M
3 comments:
I'll have to travel to Italy, just to sample the pizza! You look great in that last picture, healthy more than fat! (I'm just a few years younger than you, and I'm trying to lose a few pounds myself. The metabolism change is part of our struggle.)
Oops! I reviewed in my mind what I wrote: I meant to say healthy, Not fat! (I think a few extra pounds is inevitable, though I'm fighting it, too.) Thanks for a fun post, and video!
Okay, okay I watched the video. Suddenly I am starving. But on to the important stuff... in your note to "Doctor" I see no sign of "obedience" what so ever. On the contrary, I think you were complicit in every respect, just I was while in the company of Cajuns for many of the last seven months. I don't know about you but I am heading for the fat farm, where the goats hopefully hold their cheese.
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