Fat Tuesday, Still Fat On Wednesday

Every day is Fat Tuesday for me.
That's why yesterday was no big deal.

But, today is Lent and that's another story.

I was born and raised Lent-less. We generally tended to avoid
participating in holidays that required things like abstinence, penance,
prayer, fasting or almsgiving. We weren't into discomfort. No one
self-flagellated...not that I know of, anyway.

In fact, the only suffering I can remember at any religious holiday is
of the gluttonous kind, where I'd end up half unconscious on the couch,
attempting to unbutton my pants in order to save them from being
destroyed by the imminent explosion of my stomach which amazingly
seemed to contain an 'Alien'-esque creature composed of half-digested
turkey legs, mashed potatoes, stuffing and waldorf salad which was going
to burst forth and wreak havoc on my loving family, not to mention my
mother's mauve, satin-brocade sofa.

I like the idea of Lent. It's a time of reflection, a time to step out of your
comfort zone.

This year I've decided to celebrate a little Lent or, as I call it, a "Lentil."

I am going to observe forty days of self denial.

Last night before I went to sleep I spent some time contemplating what I should
sacrifice for my Lentil. I thought of the usual things; chocolate, alcohol, cursing.
However, I decided I wanted to succeed.

Then, in a moment of probably divine inspiration, it hit me. For my Lentil I
will give up ONE HALF of everything I eat. For example, this morning I poured
my usual bowl of breakfast cereal, BUT I poured one half of it back in the box.
For lunch I only had one bowl of soup, not two. For a snack I ate half an apple
and gave the other half to my other half. Speaking of whom, this afternoon
The Man brought me a piece of pizza and I only ate half of it. With gritted teeth
I gave the rest back to him.

That was hard, but watching his eyes pop and his jaw drop made it all worthwhile.

I will only eat half of everything. Oh, and to make it fun I'm going to eat with
my left hand, too.

As I write this I've been at it for eleven hours.

I feel weak.

But, with my last effort, I hereby give notice to the Fat Tuesday Committee:
Get a new mascot.