Buzzard Tips

My new, old favorite song on the planet Earth, theme for the movie "Mackenna's Gold."
I remember loving it when I first heard it in 1969....which sort of tells you where my head
was when the rest of my generation was out smoking pot and protesting the Vietnam War.

Ol' Turkey Buzzard

Tell me. Do they even make movies like this anymore?

If not, why not?

And Jose Feliciano? Where is he? I need more of him.

We have 'em here, you know. Turkey buzzards, that is. They come in the summer months
and spend vast amounts of time here in Lime Plant City circling over my sweaty head. I
think they're waiting for me to keel over.

Remember that movie where the kid creepily says, "I see dead people." Well, I see birds
that are looking for dead people. I think about that whenever their wings' shadows pass
over me. They're looking for dead stuff. Brain dead or really dead dead, they don't care,
just bring on the dead. They want it and they want it bad and they won't stop circling until
they get it.

I don't think I've ever lived anywhere where there were creatures waiting to feed on you
if you suddenly...you know...croaked.

I understand the usefulness of carrion birds, I really do. When that squirrel gets run over,
boy when is the buzzard clean up crew going to arrive?! And, that old possum's getting
mighty ripe out there on the double yellow, don'tja think? Oh, and didja hear 'bout Ol'
Miss Crabapple's little yapping chi-wawa? Yeah, well, little Snookems got mistaken for a
rabid barn rat and the buzzard's got 'um.

Seriously, they are wonderful birds and we can learn a lot from them, as illustrated by
the following:

The Horaltic Pose

Turkey Vultures are often seen standing in a spread-winged stance. This is called the "horaltic pose."
The stance is believed to serve multiple functions: Drying the wings, warming the body, and baking
off bacteria.

(BAKING OFF BACTERIA! EUREKA! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT!)

Why the Turkey Vulture Vomits

The turkey vulture has few natural predators. Its primary form of defense is vomiting. The birds do
not "projectile vomit," (THANK GOD!) as many would claim. They simply cough up a lump of
semi-digested meat. This foul smelling substance deters most creatures intent on raiding a vulture
nest. It will also sting if the offending animal is close enough to get the vomit in its face or eyes.

(THIS WOULD INDICATE THAT IF YOU CHOSE TO BE A VEGETARIAN BUZZARD YOU WOULD BE
DISADVANTAGED IN THE CASE OF A HOME BURGLARY.)

In some cases, the vulture must rid its crop of a heavy, undigested meal in order to lift off and
flee from a potential predator. In this case, the regurgitated material has not yet been digested.
Most predators will give up pursuit of the vulture in favor of this free edible offering.

(REMEMBER TO TRY THIS THE NEXT TIME YOU GET MUGGED.)

Why the Turkey Vulture Urinates on its Legs
(I'VE SPENT SLEEPLESS NIGHTS WONDERING ABOUT THIS.)

The turkey vulture often directs its urine right onto its legs. This serves two very important
purposes. In the summertime, wetting the legs cools the vulture, as the urine evaporates.
The vulture cannot sweat like us. In addition, this urine contains strong acids from the
vulture's digestive system, which kill any bacteria that may remain on the bird's legs from
stepping in its meal.

Wow. I love this bird. I want one!

Oh yeah, that's right, I've got several...right there...over my head...posing, baking,
vomiting, urinating and searching for the recent dead...in Lime Plant City.