THIRTY YEARS!!

THIRTY YEARS! PEOPLE, T-H-I-R-T-Y Y-E-A-R-S!!

That's how long I've been waiting for an anniversary present!

I just finished announcing to The Man (I think he's starting to like announcements)
that "THIS IS IT!" I either get a present this time or "I'M OUTTA HERE!!"

The date in question is...well, actually, there are two anniversary dates due to a bit
of drama ten years ago...but okay, so whatever... Now, the "dates" in question are
July 28th AND the 29th. The Man planned it so that our wedding dates make for
a two-day celebration.

Not that we EVER do anything...like going out for some fancy schmancy dinner
where, after which, I would have to witness the embarrassing fiasco of The Man
attempting to leave a tip! (I won't go there, except to say he thinks a dollar is a
king's ransom - which is the result of him never having had a corporate job...or,
more importantly, a waitressing job!)

ANYWAY, I just walked in from the kitchen, followed by a trail of steam and acrid
smoke, like Bealzabub accending from the depths of hell, and disrupted The Man's
pitifully, innocent "waiting for dinner to appear on the table revelry" to let him know
I'm waiting and he better get his you-know-what in gear.

Am I being mean?

THIRTY YEARS, PEOPLE!!! I'm still waiting for a little wrapped present with a prize
in it. I'm not asking for diamonds and furs...although, diamond happens to be my
birthstone, I'm just wanting something, anything wrapped with a ribbon!

Jacob, (I'm talking biblical here - Genesis to be exact) HE only had to work 14 years to get
Rachel after the Leah debacle. So, what am I, chopped liver?

THIRTY YEARS!!!

I mean thirty years ago the Shah of Iran was deposed and the Ayatollah took over.
Thirty years ago, Sony introduced the Walkman! (Oh my God, the Walkman...that's
so pathetic!) Thirty years ago, The Deer Hunter won best picture, "Saturday Night
Fever" won Best Album Of The Year and Pittsburgh beat Dallas in the Super Bowl.

Sound like ancient history, People?

Well, just imagine! In all the years that have passed since Christopher Walken put
that gun to his head and spun the chamber, I HAVEN'T RECEIVED AN
ANNIVERSARY PRESENT!!

I'm getting hot.

I need to calm down.

Oh, the vapors, the vapors!

Help!

Dr. Phil?

The Man said he's going to try and come up with something to prove it hasn't really
been a THIRTY YEAR drought of Saharan desert wasteland proportions...a grey,
vacuumous, cratered moonscape of gift-giving deprivation.

Ha! That's what I say...HA!

Look at him there, trying to think of something.

I need to go lay down with a cold washrag on my face.

That's what I get for making multi-decade realizations.