The Debatable Humor of Vegetables

Will Rogers said, “An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable
that can make people laugh.”

Sorry, Will. I beg to differ.

I want to pass on something I learned the hard way. It’s a little gross so if you’re
easily disgusted don’t read the following small print. But, I think this is important.
I’m in the mood to share with you.

Eating beets makes your poop turn red and it looks like blood.

That’s it. Except for the fact that I love beets and have never had this problem before,
but last Saturday I bought two bunches of them at a local farmer’s market, brought
them home and served them for dinner. They were goooood and I ate a lot of them.

24 hours later I noticed a strange phenomenon and I don’t think it’s necessary to
elaborate. Let’s just say, “I saw red.”

The eating of the beets occurred to me and I assured myself all would be well.
However, the next morning things were actually worse...looking, if you know what
I mean, so I got panicky, my heart was racing, and my stomach was jittery. I went
out to bid farewell to The Man and to begin selling my organs on Ebay because I
was, by the evidence I’d seen, A GONER!

The Man, engrossed in his work, looked up at me with that “Who is this woman and
why is she in my house” look that he seems to be doing a lot of lately. But, I waited
until his eyes focused and I could tell he was back on the planet Earth with me. Then
I told him about my pending death. He looked at me quizzically then said, “Google it.”

Now, this is the good part of the story. I typed in beets poop red and got all this information
from people who knew all about this phenomenon and thought it was har har amusing.
Well, it’s only amusing if you know about it.

And, while on this subject I might as well mention asparagus – another “joker” on
the dinner table. For years I thought I had some recurring disease. I kept waiting
for the axe to fall, but then put two and two together and googled the asparagus-fume
phenomenon.

Luckily, my absolute favorite food is joke-free, so far anyway.

Rapini, also called broccoletti, broccoli di rape, broccoli raab, plus various other things.
I don’t know why it has so many names, but I love it. It’s the only food I can think
of that actually makes me moan when I eat it. It’s like that “I’ll have what she’s having”
scene from When Harry Met Sally. I told The Man that when I eat rapini it’s as if some
latent, neanderthalic gene is awakened, something from my ancient ancestors comes
alive and makes me want to pound a drum and dance naked around a bonfire in ecstasy.
I would rather have a plate full of rapini than anything else in the world. More than
chocolate cake, even. If I were a cat, rapini would be my ‘nip. I want to roll in it.

I am a woman of simple pleasures.