Major Mall Man

There's this weird guy out at the local shopping mall. I call him Major Mall Man. He's at least 65 years old, fat, with thick spectacles, and is at the mall every single day dressed in some type of military combat uniform, of which he has several. He's got an Army Desert Camouflage uniform complete with beige Army boots, some kind of loden green outfit that he wears with a beret, and there's a dress uniform with little medals on it. I'm never sure which military force he's representing because I don't know my uniforms, but he's ALWAYS in complete, crisp uniform...everything but the guns.

He patrols the mall, in and out of the shops. It's obvious that he's on duty, you can see it in his face that he's keeping the mall safe from...whatever, probably terrorists or maybe Imperial Storm Troopers. Who knows. Sometimes he stops and talks to some of the shop workers, but usually he just walks the store perimeter with his hands clasped behind his back, like he's reviewing his troops. I've often seen him nod and utter a perfunctory "hello" to shoppers.

I hate it when he talks to me. First of all, the guy is NUTS and I'm not a trained psychiatrist. Secondly, I don't know him, I don't want to know him, and I don't want him to be aware that I even exist. Thirdly, he speaks condescendingly, like you're some peon, enlisted man, like he expects you to salute him. It's creepy.

Call me paranoid, but I am convinced that one day he's gonna show up with an AK-47 and blow us all away. Perhaps I've read too many mall horror stories, but this guy is odd and his oddity is neon pink with blinking lights all over it. He scares me.

So, here's the deal. I'm leaving the mall the other day and decide to stop in at the security office. I'm going to ask them about the faux military man and see what they can tell me about him. I want to tell them my concerns about some guy pretending to be a combat soldier. Just as I'm about to go in the office, a security man comes out. He's tall and thin with a neatly clipped mustache and he's wearing a blue, polyester, forest ranger-type uniform with a big, shiny gold badge on it, topped off with a stiff "Campaign Hat," just like Smokey The Bear! I'm not kidding!

I just stood there and gaped at him, my mind racing. Then, I mumbled "oh, hi" and walked away. I mean what was I going to say, "Hey, there's some weird guy dressed up in a funny uniform out there?" To which he would have replied, "Yeah, so?" I mean, they're probably brothers, or something!

I drove home picturing the two of them after hours, playing war games in Victoria's Secret.