Dentistry Sucks!

So, The Man goes to the dentist.

He’s trying to save a tooth that some other dentist drilled too deep and split.

This Rome dentist speaks seven languages and has all sorts of neat technological equipment, so we figure he’s going to be good.

This guy recommends that The Man have his teeth cleaned because he has such bad tartar and stuff.

The Man goes and the hygienist does her thing. In fact, she does it twice and The Man’s scheduled for the third attempt on April 10^th. His tartar is of Mt. Rushmore proportions. She's dug out Roosevelt and Jefferson, she'll get Lincoln next.

I accompany The Man and, while waiting, I figure I’ll let this dentist check out my un-pulled wisdom tooth, the one that’s impacted that my other dentist attempted to pull last fall. I was thinking it would be good to get another opinion on just exactly what I should do with the thing.

I talk to the doctor and he checks me out.
He says “it would be better if it weren’t there.”
I agree.
He says that it should come out, but it is up to me.
He also gleefully adds that he loves that kind of surgery.

Hmmm. He overdid the glee part, in my opinion.

He also insisted I have too much tartar and that I should get my teeth cleaned.

Okay. That sounded fair.

I went in today for the cleaning.

The hyginist, Ms. Torquemada of the Spanish Inquisition Torquemada family, seemed innocent enough. She was a petite, pretty brunette Italian girl.

She sat me down, pinned on my bib and pulled out a bag of tools.

Then it began. The worst torture I’ve ever experienced.

She started scraping under all my gums with some kind of water torture digger. It was brutal right from the very start. I gripped the armrests on my chair and didn't let go for the next hour.

I squirmed in my seat, thinking “What is going on? Why does this hurt like hell?”

She stopped and said something in Italian that I didn’t understand. Then she plopped a gizmo over my face and told me to breathe in and out through my nose and not through my mouth. It was gas.

Okay, gas. This will help me relax and lessen the pain.

Not! What I needed was total unconsciousness!

She continued digging and scraping and, just for fun, occasionally sticking various nerve endings with her needle-sharp scraper.

I was actually flopping around in the chair. Flopping!

The water from her spray gun was dripping back down my neck.

At one point, I almost drowned from the water because the little sucker thing wasn’t in the right place and the water was coming out my nose!

But, she didn’t stop. She didn’t give me a break!

I started moaning.

I’ve have never moaned in front of a stranger in my life!

I remember pushing her arm away on at least two occasions.

At one point I yelled out, “What the hell?!”

Still she continued.

It was bad, people.

Afterward, (which I thought would never come) she calmly told me I should have a couple of more x-rays because she was worried about my back molars.

I told her, “maybe later.”

I just wanted to go home.

I was not very nice to her.

I told her she’d hurt me...a lot!

This didn’t seem to faze her. What was she, some kind of monster?

I mean, I’ve been going to dentists since I was about six years old. I had to have all but two of my baby-teeth pulled. I have been known to fall asleep in the dental chair, for cryin’ out loud!

So, it’s not like I’m some scaredy-cat.

Oh, and did I mention the part where she was polishing my teeth with some kind of drill apparatus and was pushing so hard that it slipped down my bottom lip and ripped into my chin? That was where I leaped out of the chair yelping. I was actually bleeding on my chin! Now, I’m going to go to Paris next week with a scab on my face!

I mumbled arrivederci and left the office. I didn’t ask about whether I should pay now or bequeath something to them after I’m dead from ripped-chin disease. I just left.

I came home and burst into tears.

The Man just looked at me.

He’s the one who told me what a good job this girl was doing on his teeth.

I hereby declare that I will never have my teeth cleaned again.

Gingivitis and periodontal disease be damned!