If The Hat Fits...

You're not going to believe it,
but I did something stupid.
I know that this is a shocking
revelation and that many of you
will have a conniption fit,
fall out of your chairs and
bump your heads.
But it's true.
I did something stupid.

It is truly amazing since I'm
known for my brilliance.
It's an innate quality, I humbly admit.
It requires no effort on my part.
It's just like being right all the time,
I don't have to work at it.
I'm some kind of mental freak, if you will.
That's why it's just incredible that
I did something so stupid.

In fact, it's so out of character that I'm convinced
there's something terribly wrong with me.
And, this is the scary part.
You see, I've been to Mexico and I've eaten pork tacos.

I know I don't have to explain what I'm talking about here.
I'm sure you've read the horrifying account in the newspapers.
I don't have television but I'm sure this must be a top story on
all the networks and that Katie Couric is doing a special on it.

Well, anyway, I'm sure the worm in my brain is the reason I dyed my hair!
(Oh, note to The Man: You don't want to read this. It'll only upset you.)

As I mentioned, I don't watch television. However, I'm still (apparently)
affected by societal pressures to fight the natural progression of age by
buying up worthless, over-priced, snake oil elixers and concoctions that
countless men and women AND even intellectual giants such as myself
across this great nation are purchasing with their last dollars in a futile
attempt to remain youthful and attractive forever!

Okay. So, now I've got the worm and society working against me.

Anyway, I happened to catch a glimpse of myself recently and noticed
how grey my hair is and how old and decrepit and fat and...did I mention "old?"
I made this observation a number of times in the past week.
It turned into a minor obsession, one which if The Man had been here,
would've been thumped on the head and sent to bed without it's supper.

So, now I've got the worm, society and the absence of The Man.
A deadly combination of Grecian mythological proportions.

The next thing I know I'm possessed (the worm!) by this obsession (society!)
and I find my lonely self killing time at Walmart of all places (The Man!)
I'm standing there in the hair dye aisle and I select a color..."Hazelnut."
How perky sounding!

I'm not sure who gave it that name.
A color-blind, nincompoop would be my guess.
Or a demented, lying-dog, trained squirrel maybe.

A more appropriate name would have been:
Vampira, Mistress of the Blacker-Than-The-Hole-of-Calcutta Night,
because that's who I look like, only chubbier with dark circles
under my eyes because I don't use concealer. A goth horror.
All I need now is some black fingernail polish and I'm on my way to
see Release The Bats perform at the next Drop Dead Festival!

However, there is a slight silver lining around my cloud of humiliation.
1. It's winter and hats are necessary.
2. They'll have to shave my head when I have the worm removed.
3. The dye I used is semi-permanent. It'll fade in time.

Time, of course, is a relative thing. Waiting for Christmas morning
or that wisdom tooth extraction scheduled for next May - those are
things that time will bring and I can patiently await.

But, hair that makes me look like Severus Snape is beyond the pale!

Oh well, I suppose there are more important things to worry about.

I can't think of anything right now, but I'm sure there's something.