I'm Mad As Hell And I'm Not Going To Eat It Anymore!

I'm on a diet.

Whilst dwelling in the land of pizza, pasta, cornetto's, vino and formaggio,
without swimming or any other kind of exercise (with the exception of running
occasionally to catch a bus), I managed to gain some weight.

Without going into specifics, I have gained the equivalent of a gallon of milk
and a two extra-large bags of Oreos and it's all sloshing around my thighs, hips and
waist and curdled in the face and chin area.

My clothes don't fit and my stomach gets in the way when I tie my shoes.

It's horrible.

So, anyway, I'm on day three and I haven't had ANY carbohydrates because
for some reason they're the devil and you can't eat them AT ALL for two weeks
because if you do you'll die and burn in hell. After two weeks you can have a little
oatmeal and maybe a cracker, but that's it for the rest of your life on this planet, stupid!

Have I ever mentioned how much I LOVE bread.

Bread is the rock in my roll,
the twinkle in my eye,
the fire in my down below,
the "have a nice" in my day.

If bread were illuminated it would be the moon I would howl to.
If bread grew ripe on a vine it would be the vintage I would hoard.
If bread were a religion, I'd make graven images onto it.

If The Big Giant came to my door, right this minute, selling bread, I'd buy it....
then slam the door in his face and run like hell.

But, the diet calleth me out of the wilderness.
I must follow, or wallow rather, whence it leads me.

This is really pathetic.

Oh, but the really irritating thing is that I will go on this diet and endure
unimaginable pain and suffering and I won't lose a pound, but The Man,
for whom I've gone shopping and bought all kinds of tasty snack foods and
nuts and chips and beef jerky and whatever he could possibly want during
this time of deprivation, will lose ten pounds!

In fact, I don't know why I say that "I'm" on a diet. It's The Man who will
lose the weight and look good in all his clothes WITH the shirt tucked in. It's
The Man to whom people will say, "Hey, you're looking good. Have you lost weight?"

To which he will reply while chomping on a slice of pizza, "Yes, thank you.
My wife went on a diet. Ha Ha Ha."


The first thing you lose on a diet is your sense of humor - author unknown