Lord of the Jungle

Meet my new swimming coach.

He yells and carries a big knife, but when it comes to swimming, he can really
shake 'em down.

Okay. Just kidding. Johnny Weissmuller is not really my coach.

But, if he were still alive, I'd hire him in a minute. He fulfills my requirements for the perfect coach:

1. The swimsuit. I mean, just the thought of having someone urge me on from poolside dressed in a V-shaped loincloth is enough to propel me to "v"ictory.

2. Likes to go after large alligators and wrestle with them underwater. This is a good thing. It's inspirational. When I swim, make my turn, and push off, I sometimes pretend that I am Tarzan going after that 'gator. I swim really fast and really strong. Realistically, I know I don't look like Tarzan, but I feel like him and that's what's important. I get totally carried away and it takes about five laps before it occurs to me there is no alligator in the pool...well, except for The Man.

3. Lives in a tree and travels by vine. This will save on per diem commuting costs.

4. A man of few word.

Tarzan: "UMGAWA! UMGAWA!"
Me: Look Coach, I don't understand what you're saying! You're not making any sense!"
Tarzan: "UMGAWA! It mean 'good,' 'up,' 'down,' 'stop,' 'go.' It also mean, 'you swim like fat rhino!' It all the word Tarzan need."