A Proper Sneeze

I just watched him sneeze, the worst sneezer I've ever met.

His whole body hunches up and convulses as if in pain.

It's like each sneeze is the first sneeze he's ever had, a completely new event and he's not sure what it is or what he should do about it.

I have been trying for years to explain to him that it's a very simple matter to cover one's face during a sneeze. You just place both hands lightly over nose and mouth. I explain about how 40 million molecules of bacteria are released each time one sneezes and that if you can blow most of those into your hands, the rest of the planet will be saved!

But, he doesn't seem to get it. Instead, he balls his right hand into a fist and then sneezes on that. I watch amazed. Does he really think that the fist is going to stop any germs? No, I tell him, the germs are diverted, but they keep going. I can practically see them!

I ask him, "why don't you just get a rock and hold it up to your face?"

Save your fist the effort, I say.

But, I'm not going to mention it to him ever again. First of all, I'm convinced he just can't do it. Secondly, I think he's becoming extremely self-conscious about it, he's convulsing more than usual. And, thirdly, he caught his cold from me so in a way the sneezing is my fault.

However, he did not catch my cold from some errant molecule that got blown out in a sneeze. I know how to cover my face properly and I usually reinforce the barricade with a hanky or kleenex.

That is unless I'm alone in a barn, in which case I really let that sucker fly.