Open Letter to Huns, Goths, and Vandals

Dear Descendants of Geiseric, Alaric I, Totila and Brennus:

I cordially invite you to return and sack Rome.

Your ancestors were here a long time ago, about fifteen hundred years now, but you must have heard about all the fun they had! You probably have fond memories of sitting around the campfire listening to old fish stories about how great-great-great-great grandpa kicked some royal Roman butt.

And, a good kick in the rear is what most Romans need right now, hence this invitation.

It will be my pleasure to assist in facilitating an easy invasion and ultimate sacking. I am qualified for the task as I happen to know all the bus routes and which metro stops to avoid after nightfall. As proof of my expertise, here's some free advice: Stay off the 64 bus. Take the 40 instead.

In exchange for my services, however, I insist on the following conditions:

1. No raping. The only exceptions being approximately 110 rotten senators who are avoiding prosecution because of their "appointed" positions. And, you may do as you will with the leaders of the various mafia groups. But, that's it.

2. Impaling would be reserved solely for those mentioned above.

3. As for pillaging, feel free to take any of the following items:

- Sedan-like vehicles with a blue flashing light affixed to the roof.
- Flat-screen tv's located at train terminals, metro stations, grocery stores, etc.
- Accordions from brain-dead street musicians playing "My Way" for the one millionth time.
- ALL cell phones
- Rain umbrellas (These are the ultimate Roman WMD. There's nothing worse than the carnage left behind after a witless, umbrella-wielding old fart pushes through a crowd.)

I also require that you remove the following forever:

- All politicians who have been in office for more than 75 consecutive years which constitutes about 85% of the current members of Parliament.
- The Camorra, Cosa Nostra, 'Ndrangheta and their associates, especially those serving as members of Parliament.
- All plebian nimrods who cannot grasp the basics of the modern escalator, who reach the top, step off and then STOP right there to fumble with their cell phone or contemplate the origin of the dust mote, effectively blocking the way for the hundreds of others using the same escalator, ultimately causing a human clog resulting in many being sucked into the moving stairway and ground to smithereens.
- All dog owners. I know that 5 people out of the 4 million dog owners in Rome actually pick up their wuvy-duvy doggies' poop, but why quibble. Take them all! AND their dogs, too. Re-introduce the cat to Rome.
- All those television "celebrities" who have absolutely no talent, but who remain on television no matter what, most notably Pippo Baudo and Emilio Fede, oh and Simona Ventura! In fact, add these to the "To Be Impaled" list.
- SUV's and the dickhead drivers that drive them down Rome's tiny streets.

Thank you for your kind consideration. I look forward to your reply.